I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
