my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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