there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
