this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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