Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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