I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
