I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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