got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
