If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize