A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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