Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
