I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
