this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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