No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
