Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
