I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize