i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
