She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
