i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
