I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
