i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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