I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
