What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
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Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
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How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
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