Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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