Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
