***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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