having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
