We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
