Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
