Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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