Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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