I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
