I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I show you my penis last night?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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