your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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