About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
