why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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