i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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