every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
