I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
