I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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