why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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