I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
