my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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