I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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