drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We left the knife in your bed.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
