Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
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