I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
