just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
