So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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