They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
