Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
