I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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