the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
