he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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