And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
